all messed up

DISCLAIMER: This hub was written a year ago (2010); I have been away from HubPages for the most part of 2011.

I apologize for this hub as it is one big mess. Thoughts, feelings, dilemmas, decisions crammed into a page. It seems unfair to have you play the shock absorber. The height of selfishness really. But you can move on and turn a blind eye to this, to me, and I won't mind. Now you think, here comes the pity parade. Don't worry, I'm not one to not understand the tight spot you find yourself in now for I have paid the price of friendship too, virtual or otherwise. It comes not without hidden strings attached and regret, indebtedness and loyalty are a fur ball that takes more than a lifetime to unravel - even if you get your mind to it. So what do you do? It's okay, say it. It's not going to be the first time I'm going to be called a panderer. Or a drama queen.

There's a forum thread asking hubbers what word they associate with 'New Year'. I was reading the responses and thought 'promise' was a good word. Positive, optimistic and indisputable. But now I think 'change' would be my word. Decisive, clear-sighted and conjures a hint of excitement as its inherent dynamism leaves a room for blind sides.

I'm thinking of closing down, moving on or stop blogging altogether. But I can't seem to get my heart to it. Not yet, anyway. I'm also entertaining thoughts of putting just the poetry somewhere else, retain the other artsy fartsy stuff here and open another account for the money hubs. At least everything would be clear cut and no more raised eyebrows as far as my integrity and real motivation as a wannabe writer are concerned. This for that and this for this. You would never find out my criminal mind and its money-making schemes. But my problem is, I want my 'titles' looking theatrical as they appear on Hubtivity even if they are 'how to's' or product reviews. Ahh writing and making money should never be said in the same breath. Writing and profit, water and oil.

Or maybe a change has already transpired and I just refuse to accept it that's why I'm all loopy mentally and emotionally. I'm not the busy bee hubber anymore, stalking hubber friends wherever they go, jumping on every comment made to my hubs, 'chatting' in the Forums trying to be funny and witty but not losing a hint of intelligence in what I say for good measure. Maybe I'm no longer the attention whore that I was, or still is and just feels tragic that somebody actually found me out - or found out for me and said it to my face. But who wants to be called an attention whore regardless of its veritableness? It's either I'm misunderstood or I just don't understand myself. Unfortunately, sometimes the other person comes in handy when a mirror is out of sight. Ignorance is bliss they say but not this time. Either way.

There are days when I feel that my writing is inadequate, that I pale in comparison to most of you. But there are days too when I believe I'm in a class of my own. There are also days when I feel tired of responding to comments made to my hubs heedless of the sincerity it carries or lack thereof. And tired of making comments just to gratify the author of a hub even if I really enjoyed the read. I'm weary from thinking about what you might think if I said this or that, or said nothing at all.

I'm jealous of some cliques that have been formed minus me, or I'm just missing mine. I feel bad when somebody defans me but I cannot hold a grudge, and basically do not have the right as I have done the same myself. I can no longer summon the inner drive to 'discover' new hubbers despite my having the time to do so. Maybe because somebody has taken up the cudgels up for me or I have been painfully reduced to a littler voice. I'm wondering, I'm probably an instant gratification junkie after all despite my honest or imagined sense of propriety.

Somebody said we all have our time, our turns, in the HP barrel as far as 'popularity is concerned. When I chew on the thought, he's right. Call me Gloria Desmond. A crybaby past his prime. But then again, I have nothing to prove anymore. Been there, done that, and more. I have been loved, hated and ignored - and in any social or personal setting, indifference and not hate is the opposite of love. Ah, karma always has its way in the end.

Karma. That vengeful mother fu#$ng bitch. Maybe it decided to relegate me to the bottom of the barrel finally, or maybe it saw fit to push me down further to live out what some of you have been feeling. Or maybe it's extending a hand of hope - the barrel shall turn again. When you're down there's not other way but... But who knows about karma aside from it always turns up with a bitter pill in hand? They say it's post-karma that should matter. But that leads me to a collision course with probably what's eating me all this time - that I just don't know what to do with myself. That, or I am simply choosing to see a labyrinth when all I want is out of the strenuous monotony of it all

Or then again, it could be just the season outside outside my window. At least I, we, have something to blame for this hub if and when I realize this was a silly hub after all.

Told you it's a mess.

PS I realized later that I spent a long time tagging and thinking of a title, and for a fleeting moment wondered if allowing adsense capsules in the main body of the hub would affect the drama. And there's this small concern about the appropriate image to go with the text. I guess this hub came out a premeditated mess when I was after a stream-of-consciousness feel. I can't rid myself of being 'concerned' even when I'm ranting! Haha